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29201 Former City Paper “Bum of the Week” Donald, 48, is at it again….

29203 Responding to burglar alarms going off in an apartment complex, officers find some sketchball pushing a computer out of a broken window near the front desk lobby. Startled, the computer caper ducks back inside the building and locks himself in a closet. It takes three officers to end the game of hide-and-seek and arrest the 24-year-old for petit larceny; 32000 block Lucious Road.

29203 If you’re yelling and screaming at your girlfriend loud enough for the neighbors to hear, it’s probably a good idea to make sure all your illegal bullshit is stashed away before the cops come knocking on your door. Randy the redneck forget this specific piece of white trash advice when the cops found a bag of weed in the house where he’s screaming at his wife; 5400 block Mauldin Ave.

29205 A 24-year-old woman is sleeping soundly when a man busts into her room and puts his hands all over her, ripping her shirt and scratching her chest. The woman is able to run downstairs but not before the scumbag snags her T-shirt, ripping it into two pieces. Once downstairs, the woman makes it to her neighbor’s house where she calls 911, but by then Mr. Busyhands is long gone; 1500 block Garden Plaza.

29203 Responding to a car wreck at 9:30 a.m. where a 44-year-old driver slammed his car into a stone water drain and a mailbox, officers notice what may have caused the crash: an empty can of old Milwaukee Light in the driver’s-side cup holder. While being treated for facial injuries the man tells the cops that he’d drank three six packs of beer the night before. When asked to sign a form after consenting to a blood test, the man is so trashed he can’t even sign his name; 2000 block Cushman Drive.

29201 Cops are called when an intruder breaks into a house near USC and steals, of all things, a 10-week-old shitzu puppy; 1700 block Greene Street.

29201 Police officers say that absolutely riveting surveillance camera footage at a local Ruby Tuesday show a 26-year-old man— get this— stealing a black leather wallet from a woman’s purse containing $50 and some credit cards. Can’t wait to see that on Best Crimes Caught On Tape Vol. 284; 4600 block Devine Street.

29201 Former City Paper “Bum of the Week” Donald, 48, is at it again, holding up a sign asking for money and running out into the street to retrieve it from passersby nice enough to donate. On an average day, Donald says he can get $50 in a couple hours, but Columbia police officers aren’t having it. Nope, this week they bust Donald for begging and obstructing pedestrians and vehicles. Columbia thanks you, officers, for we can now sleep safer knowing this man is no longer a danger to our community; 400 Hampton Street.

29203 Larceny at the laundromat. A 30-year-old woman is loading her clothes into the washer when a man snags her purse and takes off running; 5000 Fairfield Road.

29205 During an altercation this week, a 19-year-old woman grabs a 26-year-old woman by the throat and chokes her out with both hands. All the while, a 20-year-old man is pulling the woman’s hair and scratching her face. When the duo are done, they throw the woman down on the stairs and leave the scene. When the police arrive, the woman refuses EMS treatment but says she wants to prosecute; 1200 block Heidt Street.

29204 Baby mama drama: A 22-year-old woman is complaining this week about receiving lewd test messages from someone’s baby’s daddy. The woman tells police that one message called her a “bitch.” Trailer trash goes digital; 2500 Two Notch Road.

29205 Cops are called this week after a 34-year-old man strikes his 31-year-old girlfriend in the face with a knife and then kicks her when she’s down. With one hand holding the woman down with the knife pointed at her and with his other hand dialing the keypad on his cell phone, the man calls his mother to tell her he’s going to die tonight because he’s about to kill his girlfriend. Turns out he doesn’t die, he just gets taken to the ground by police and tossed into a cruiser and hauled off to jail; 1500 block Garden Plaza.

29212 In other redneck news, police respond to a fight this week that breaks out over…you guessed it…a missing pack of cigarettes; 400 block Whaley Street.

29203 Imagine responding to a knock at your door to find your ex-boyfriend pointing a handgun in your face. That’s what happened to a 20-year-old woman this week, who says she backed up when she saw the gun and, as she did so, he fired it into the air. When the cops came, the man was more than willing to admit his mistake, showing the cops where the hid the gun and what he did with the spent shell casing. That didn’t stop him getting taken to the slammer; 200 block Lakeside Ave.