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“She ain’t done nothing, why she going to jail?”

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Sometimes you’re a little low on cash, but you need that beer, the 12-pack of Bud taunting you from its chilled rack. Well, take it. A 33-year-old man did exactly that, nabbing the beers from a convenience store. Unfortunately for him, there was already a warrant out for his arrest on a drunkenness charge. No surprise there. 4100 block Monticello Road.

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First, please don’t drink and drive. Second, if you do make that mistake, don’t pass out behind the wheel with the car in gear. That’s what happened an underage boozer recently. He was tooling around town with two other friends, who were also drunk and asleep, one of whom had a bottle of beer and a cup between his legs. Oh, and please don’t try to slug the police officer when you’re awakened, like the front-seat passenger did. Bad idea. Also bad was the bit where one of the passengers violently resisted arrest. All in all, not a good night for these clowns. 3000 block Two Notch Road

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We’ve heard about cops being called to a fight over a salad, but a pair of boots, that’s new. Turns out the Columbia PD was called after a 49-year-old man and a 20-year-old man punched each other around and even brandished a hammer at one point over a pair of boots. Yee haw; 1500 Oak Street.

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A 22-year-old man meets a 24-year-old floozy at Jungle Jims in Five Points and takes her back to his room to “spend some time together,” according to police. Later in the night, the man wakes up to find the Jungle Jim Jezebel long gone…along with his wallet. All in all the man is out $300 and in need of a quick trip to the clinic; 700 block Garners Ferry Road.

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“She ain’t done nothing, why she going to jail?” That sounds like an innocent question, but not when the 45-year-old man is inches from the face of the officer to which he’s yelling it. According to cops, the man “brushed up against [the] officer,” following a fight in progress. Cops arrested the man and took him to jail. The two won’t share a cell; 400 block West Ave.

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A baseball bat to the head. That’s what a 37-year-old man took after a fight at 7 p.m., according to witnesses, but cops couldn’t find the man or any blood. They did find two baseball bats lying around, though; 7400 block Bailey Street.

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Cops say a 21-year-old man was “using obscene and lewd language” and causing a “crowd to assemble,” which, apparently, is just enough to get yourself arrested and taken to the slammer. Even in, like, the most well-known college area in town. Oh, well. When the police arrive they find the guy to be drunk as a skunk, with slurred speech and booze breath. Done, son; 2000 block Greene Street.

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People don’t punch each other in the face enough anymore. There was a time when if you talked smack, you caught a smack. Now, with judges, cops, lawyers, courts…it just doesn’t happen. Well one 19-year-old decided he’d bring the “punch in the face” back into style and walloped his older brother right in the kisser. He got more than a 10-minute sit on the stairs, or a “time out” – he got an assault and battery charge; 200 block Hannover Street.

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Police this week got a call for a “suspicious person,” and when they showed up found a 46-year-old hobo sacked out on the steps of a church. A bum found passed out on the church steps in Columbia? Suspicious? More like routine. Anyway, the cops dragged his drunk ass off to jail; 2200 block Park Street.

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The trick’s to just act cool, yo. A cop saunters into the China Garden and looks around. He notices something. As soon as he enters, a young-looking guy tries to hide his bottle of Miller High Life. The cop doesn’t need his copy of Sherlock Holmes to tell him what’s going on. He asks for the kid’s ID and guess what? He’s underage; 700 block Harden Street.

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A pissed-off woman ordered some late-night food at the drive thru and didn’t like what she got. According to police the woman took the order and heaved it right back into the drive thru window striking the poor employee just doing his job. We’re sure he still absolutely loves his job; 5000 block Garners Ferry Road.

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A 28-year-old man is walking to the Food Lion around 11 p.m. and the next thing he knows he’s waking up in front of a church with his head bashed in, blood on him, and his cell phone missing; 1500 Garden Plaza.

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A 27-year-old woman tells police that someone broke into her home. The home invader wasn’t hungry for girl, it appears, he was hungry for Hot Pocket. Well, technically, the suspect only got away with some chips and lunch meats stolen from the refrigerator, 100 Ripplemeyer Ave.

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When cops busted a woman who fit the description for a nearby robbery they say they found “hair products” in her jacket sleeve and a “weave” under her arm. Who just runs down the street with a weave under her arm? That just looks suspicious. Well, this was on Main Street and, seriously, how man hair and weave shops are there on Main Street? Ever been there? 6000 block Main Street.

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So, two guys walk up to another and say, “Give us your money or we will kick your ass.” The friendly gents make off with $10. Nice work, if you can get it. 1300 Laurel Street