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Notre Dame 9.5 @ Michigan -9.5

The two winningest teams in college football are in crisis mode. God has turned his back on Notre Dame and the “Big House” in Michigan could use a full demo and rebuild. Michigan, after losing to a glorified high school team in its season opener, dumped another a huge steamer on their fans by getting blitzed by Oregon 39 to 7. And Notre Lame’s play in its first two games resembled something along the lines of a possum choking on garbage, especially when they got jacked up by Penn State 31-10. (Yes, I’m a huge Penn State fan and, yes, I think JoePa may just see a bright future for this season through those fish tank lenses.) Anycase, I plan to take Michigan minus the points. It’s at Michigan and they know if they lose three in a row at home, the fans are libel to mob Lloyd Carr, rip the Michigan colors from his body and run him out of town like a mongrel dog. Mike Hart will have a huge a game and the Wolverines will take this game easily. I’m going to lay down my mortgage payment on this one, because my winky is Dublin’ for Michigan. Prediction: Notre Dame 17, Michigan 34

Arkansas 3.5 @ Alabama -3.5

Alabama now has Nick Saban which gives them a leg up on the competition and recruiting. He will do the same for Bama that Spurrier is doing for the Gamecocks. But it will be a couple of years before he really gets the Bama train wreck rolling again. Over the last ten years, the Crimson Tide has been flying on the luxurious Shit Bird Express because of sanctions handed out by the NCAA. It’s only cheating if you get caught. And let’s be honest, to compete in the toughest conference in the country, you gotta bend the rules a bit (or in Bama’s case break the rules more obviously than a exploding scoreboard). Arkansas has had a tumultuous off-season but that still won’t stop this team from competing for the SEC West crown. They have two of the most explosive running backs in the country. I’m going to take the points with Arkansas in this barn-burner and make an average wager. So, what do I consider average? Enough to where I’m happy I took Arkansas. But, not so much that if I lose I end up like a guy I know who drank so much after losing big that he traded in a car he was already upside down on for a new one that didn’t even have have power steering. The next day, he didn’t remember what model he’d bought and a neighbor in his apartment called the cops on him when he tried to get into the wrong car. Later that day he got a knock at the door and it was Circuit City with a new 50-inch big screen which he had to give back because his credit went from sugar to shit. Prediction: Arkansas 24, Alabama 21

Tennessee 8.0 @ Florida -8.0

This is Florida’s first real test of the season. Tennessee comes to town with their meat neck of a coach, Phillip Fulmer. People, that’s not a hoagie coming out of his shirt, it’s his neck. Even scarier is that bird’s nest of a hairpiece the secondary coach for Tennessee has on his dome. Look closely this weekend: it’s not a hat on his head, it’s a dove, a symbol of peace. Florida is 3-4-2 against the spread in its last nine games when playing Tennessee. The fact is Tennessee is just not that good this year. Florida will win with no problem. How about a little parlay here? I’m going to take Florida minus the points and the over. Parlays are harder to hit, but the rewards are better. Usually a parlay pays 2.5 to

1. Also you don’t lose any juice on a parlay, if you are your bookie is ripping you off. (In my case my bookie was one of my best friends who I had known since the sixth grade and who stole $6,000 from me one weekend. We will delve into that next week. Since then, I use an off shore website.

Current record on predictions: 4-0.

This column is intended for entertainment purposes only. Columbia City Paper does not encourage sports betting.