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Second installment dedicated to bad jokes.

Aries Next week, your remedial math professor will ask, “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?” “One dollar,” you’ll answer. “You don’t know your arithmetic,” the professor will say. “No, you don’t know my father,” you’ll reply.

Taurus You will come home from work and immediately feel bad about the day’s activities. One voice in your head will say, “Don’t worry about it, lots of doctors have sex with their patients.” The voice will soothingly repeat itself as you toss and turn on the couch. However, just as soon as you begin to feel better, another voice in your head will remind you that you’re a veterinarian.

Gemini An elderly woman distraught after the death of your husband, you will decide to stab yourself in your broken heart to join him in the great beyond. In order to do it right, you’ll call a doctor to get the exact location of your heart. “It’s just under your left nipple,” he’ll say. Two hours later you will be admitted to the ER with a stab wound to your left thigh.

Cancer Like you have every Wednesday for the past two years, you will walk into a bar, order four large shots of whiskey, down three in immediate succession and leave the fourth untouched. Finally curious, the bartender will ask, “What’s with that?” “That’s for me and my three buddies who died in the war.” “Why do you leave that one empty every time?” he’ll ask. “Oh, I don’t do my shot. I quit drinking a while back.”

Leo You will wake, hung over, after a crazy office party and ask your wife if you made an ass of yourself. “You cussed your boss to his face,” she’ll say angrily. “Ah, piss on him,” you’ll bark. “You did,” she’ll say, “and he fired you.” “Well, screw him,” you’ll say. “I did,” she’ll reply, “and you start back at work on Monday.”

Virgo You will go to your boss’s costume party wearing nothing but a naked woman on your back. “What are you supposed to be?” your boss will ask. “A snail,” you’ll reply. “How can you be a snail? All you’ve got is a naked woman on your back!” “Because,” you’ll reply, jerking your thumb toward your back, “that’s Michelle.”

Libra You will get a bottle of wine for your 80th birthday and will share it with your lady friend in your nursing home. After you’re both tanked, you’ll start groping the old lady and manage to get her blouse and bra off before she’ll stop you. “I can’t do this,” she’ll say. “I have acute angina.” “God, I hope so,” you’ll say. “You’ve got the ugliest boobs I’ve ever seen.”

Scorpio A little farm boy, you will arrive late for school next week and your teacher will demand to know why. “I had to take the family cow over to the neighbor’s to get her bred by a bull,” you’ll answer. “Can’t your father do that?” the teacher will ask. “Well, sure,” you’ll say. “But the bull can do it better.”

Sagittarius On a nighttime drive, you and your wife will accidentally run over a mother opossum with a baby in her pouch. You’ll decide to rescue the baby possum but notice that it squirms in terror once your car starts down the road, so you’ll suggest that your wife stick it up her skirt to mimic the mother’s pouch. “No way,” she’ll say, “that thing is smelly and nasty.” “Well,” you’ll reply, “why don’t you just hold its little nose?”

Capricorn One day while jogging, you will notice a brand new tennis ball lying on the sidewalk and will pick it up and put it in your pocket. Waiting at a crosswalk you’ll notice a beautiful blonde staring at the bulge. “Tennis ball,” you’ll say. “Wow,” she’ll say, looking upset. “That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!”

Aquarius In a hurry to board an airplane you won’t have time to do the paperwork to get your new puppy on board, so you’ll stuff him down your pants. 30 minutes into the flight, your violent squirming will attract a stewardess and you’ll be forced to admit what you did. “Well,” she’ll say, “as long as he’s housebroken, I guess it’ll be OK.” “Oh, he’s housebroken,” you’ll say, while wincing and squirming. “The problem is, he’s not weaned yet!”

Pisces As your airplane is about to crash, a female passenger will jump up frantically and announce, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!” She’ll remove her clothing and ask, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” “Yeah,” you’ll say, standing up and removing your shirt. “Here, iron this!”