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I heard the other day that you were being inducted. I guess into some sort of Hall of Fame?

Dear Michael Vick, I heard the other day that you were being inducted. I guess into some sort of Hall of Fame? Every time I’m in a bar, I see your photo on the muted TV or footage of one of your amazing touchdown passes. You seem to be on every sports and news channel because of you’re being inducted. The commissioner of the NFL even held a press conference to congratulate you, I assume, on being inducted. It’s refreshing to see a millionaire professional athlete not act like psychopath thug. Oh wait, you’re on again. Think I’ll turn up the TV and see what’s going on… Columbia City Paper

Dear guy that answers “How are you doing?”, Dude, it’s just a salutation. I don’t really want to know about your car repo, how you live with your mom, and how your cell phone provider turned your phone off. And I definitely didn’t want to hear about your dog’s inoperable cancer followed by a few awkward moments of weeping. Next time when I call to see if a DVD is in stock at your store and ask how you’re doing, just respond with one or two words so we can get on with things.
Columbia City Paper

Dear Columbia Farms, Could you please come up with some kind of air filtration system so we don’t have to inhale the stench of disemboweled chickens? One of our staffers drives by your processing plant every day and just so he doesn’t vomit in his own mouth, he has to cover his face with his shirt and speed past hoping not to hit one of the many workers shuffling across the street in their rubber waders and hair nets. The other day he reported that several feathers rained down on his car along with what he described as “possibly little chunks of chicken intestine.” If only the Renuzit air freshener company or Febreze could put a manufacturing plant next door… Columbia City Paper