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Where have all the kind nerds gone?

Aries Treat yourself to a day at the spa and a visit to the hairdresser. You’ll thank yourself once you see how stunning you look in your upcoming mug shot photo.

Taurus You will tempt fate by tooling around in that electric wheelchair you found at the thrift store. Sure, it will be fun (and surprisingly convenient) for a couple of weeks. But the novelty will wear off after you accidentally steer it down an escalator at the mall, break both legs and are confined to it until next spring.

Gemini They say Jimi Hendrix was virtually unknown when he walked onto the stage at the Monterrey Pop Festival in 1967 and when he walked off the stage after that performance, he was famous. The same will be said of you after your showing at the hog-calling contest in Laurens in a few months. But only if you keep training… in front of the State House.

Cancer As an elder nerd, you will find that the new Transformers—not to mention their young nerd fans—all seem to be assholes. What happened to the bad one-liners and Southern accents from the Transformers of your youth? And why did everyone laugh when you showed up at the premier dressed as a Dinobot? What the hell is this world coming to?

Leo The local crab population will suffer a substantial blow after your upcoming trip to the pharmacy.

Virgo Kiteboarding? Basejumping? Give me a break. I’ve got an extreme sport for you: drink a liter of rum, call your office at 3 a.m. and leave your boss the most offensive message you can conceive on the answering machine. Then pass out with no alarm and see if you can wake up in time to race down there and erase the message before the big guy shows up in the morning.

Libra In a bitter irony widespread panic will engulf paranoid stoners at a Widespread Panic show when you show up in your novelty DEA vest and cap. Luckily only a handful of stash related choking fatalities will occur …though the stash related lines to the crapper will wrap around the block for most of the first set.

Scorpio Next time you go to that alternative therapy place for a coffee enema, don’t slurp down a large latte in the waiting room. I didn’t want to say anything, but you creeped some people out last time.

Sagittarius It’s time for change, Sagittarius. Literally. Head to the main water feature in the mall and take out a penny as if you are about to make a wish. When no one is looking jam the penny back in your pocket and quickly wade out into the fountain to scoop up the silver change before security comes. Oh, and don’t forget to collect the longer cigarette butts from the ashtrays on your way out.

Capricorn You will find yourself both uplifted and slightly disturbed by the peppy show tunes piped over the local morgue’s phone system while you’re waiting on hold.

Aquarius You shouldn’t feel weird, Aquarius, most parents our age can discuss the ins and outs of Barney the Dinosaur, the Wiggles or other weird children’s shows. Oh, you don’t have kids? …Psych-o.

Pisces Man, you can dump buckets of ice water on the kids to toughen them up or drill Martha with trivia while she runs wind sprints in the yard, but the sad fact remains: the Friedmans are still gonna kick your ass on Family Feud. And when the lights go up in the first round, the crowd roaring the background, my survey says no amount of training will help when Arthur Friedman drops the hammer on you, brother!