Dear Satan,
July 18th, 2007
Of course you can have my eternal soul in exchange for a new iPhone…
Dear self checkout register, For the fifth time, the item IS on the scale! Please, I just want to buy this bottle of Drano, some birthday candles and the new issue of Juggs and be on my way. It would have been quicker to get in line behind the lady in the sweat suit who’s trying to sweet talk management out of a pack of cigarettes with her EBT card. “Press Pay Now.” Okay… great. “See the cashier.” Guess I could’ve gone to her in the first place and saved 20 minutes. Columbia City Paper
Dear close talker, You’ve got to be doing this on purpose. You seem to know exactly where the personal space barrier begins because you take precisely one step beyond it every time. Hmm… cream of onion soup for lunch today? And judging by your teeth, you had a spinach salad appetizer, too. God, this is like the tail end of an awkward date! You may have noticed by now that I’m so creeped out, I haven’t registered a word you’ve said. But, I have made a mental note to lend you some pore cleansing cream. Columbia City Paper
Dear Satan, Of course you can have my eternal soul in exchange for a new iPhone. Though, I think we already have a contract for that Teddy Ruxpin bear from back in 1984. I’m good either way. Columbia City Paper
Dear over zealous hugger, Dude, I am not your uncle and we aren’t in a nursing home or a 12 step program. How about you step back and just shake my hand instead? In short if I’m not related to you or am not your AA sponsor, please don’t reach out for a man hug in a public parking lot. If you happen to slip a hug past my guard, please limit back patting to two manly slaps, preferably close fisted. And never, ever rub another guy’s back during a hug, man. Better yet, why not just move to Italy where you can hug and kiss each other on the cheek all day? Columbia City Paper
Dear SUV owner with a W sticker, Where have you gone? Are you in hiding? You’ve disappeared like Osama Bin Laden. The last one I saw, I thought, “Aw, that’s cute, someone still hanging on to the dream.” So any case, try this in ‘08: research the candidate you are voting for, don’t believe reiterated propaganda about pool pumps and hair cuts, and make an informed decision on your way to the polls at a whopping 8 miles to the gallon. Columbia City Paper
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