Greenville's free alternative weekly

Cool feathers!

Aries

Since your doomsday date has come and gone, things just haven’t been the same around the old cult compound. But, cheer up. You still have one third of your concubines and hey… at least you still get to wear those cool feathers.

Taurus

Torn apart by the recent passing of television kid show scientist, Mr. Wizard, you will accidentally singe off your beard while weeping and attempting to build one last baking soda volcano. (…Sniffle.) Godspeed, Wizard.

Gemini

Your sex life will take a bizarre turn when you begin dating the woman who records the phone company’s animated voice messages. And though she is gorgeous and has a habit of talking dirty in her monotone voice, to you it will always sound like, “be-BE-BEEP. We are sorry you must first dial a 1 or 0 followed by the booty you wish to wax.”

Cancer

I think we should go back to the old way of attaching a person’s occupation to their surname, like Miller or Baker. So, let’s see, that would make your last name, uh… Stripperjunky.

Leo

Refrain from whining and scratching at the front door while your wife is at work and she might be let you out of your pen during the day.

Virgo

Dude, when the hottie comes up for a drink this weekend use the “Lifestyle Carpet” bit to explain away your filthy apartment. Explain that the ultra chic Lifestyle carpet design is pre-stained with anything from red wine, coffee, diaper overflow or whatever, depending on the customer’s choice (in your case small engine grease and chocolate syrup). She’ll buy it, guaranteed. But you’re on your own when it comes to explaining all the porn.

Libra

The world’s accumulation of pocket lint will reach critical mass in six years. Lint storms will clog the water supply, line city streets in drifts, atmospheric lint blotting out the sun and poising the rain. Society will break down. As a preventative measure, I propose that we divert all hospitality tax funds to installing giant reams of tape on our steamrollers and huge lint screens to gate Columbia. Who’s with me?

Scorpio

You call yourself a Columbia blueblood? You don’t look nearly carefree, relaxed and aloof enough. Take a mounta in vacation to recover from all the beach vacationing you’ve done lately. Maybe that will help.

Sagittarius

Hang small red crosses in your windows and in the trees to keep the spirit voices out of the attic. You should also wrap your phone in tin foil to block the CIA phone taps (the bald guy with the lawn mower across the street is an agent, too). And remember, do not take your medication… that’s how they put the nano robots into your blood stream.

Capricorn

Take a journalism job to rid yourself of those nasty habits people call “sleep” and “sobriety.”

Aquarius

Make a few extra bucks this summer by hiring yourself out as a freelance guinea pig for medical experiments. If you play your cards right, you should have most of your hair back by the Fall semester. And with luck the festering lesions will be healed in time for the Alpha Kappa Alpha Debutante Cotillion. It’s win/win.

Pisces

This Fourth of July, invite the hookers, band dudes and wacky friends from your Facebook page to your family cook out to play against their counterparts from your MySpace page in a game of volleyball. No, better yet, croquet. Then your grandma can play too. …I got nothing.