Greenville's free alternative weekly

Todd Morehead really writes these gems…

Aries As part of Columbia’s ongoing beautification project, ask your city council representative to introduce a plan to donate suits and used cell phone headsets to the homeless so when they stand on the corner and talk out loud to themselves, they’ll be virtually indistinguishable from your run of the mill business people downtown.

Taurus

Knowing your family, you should be sure to include “shirt and shoes required” on your wedding invitations.

Gemini Your incessant snot-filled hacking has elicited many a “get well soon” from your coworkers. In reality, they secretly wish you would hobble out behind the dumpsters to wither and rot far from the eyes of decent society. But emboldened from recently seeing The Elephant Man, you will defiantly jam a tissue into your left nostril, pop a cough drop, and hang out next to the coffee maker.

Cancer Knock it off, Cancer! You’ll be late for your ballet class unless you quit singing show tunes into that brush and finish combing your back hair. Whenever I’m in a jam, I often wonder W.W.J.B.D? So, what would Jimmy Buffet do in your current situation? He’d probably whiff a gram of angel dust into his head, hit the nudie bar for the meat and veggies, then head out to the Chrysler to rock some James Taylor en route to a weepy surprise visit to his third ex wife and her new family. Hey, if it works for him…

Virgo Schedule a public protest march to raise awareness about public protest marches.

Libra You’ll be asked to leave a Drinking Liberally meeting when it’s discovered that you and Andre Bauer have the exact same movies listed in succession on your MySpace pages: Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, The Muppets Take Manhattan, and 3 Men and a Little Lady. …You guys are freakin’ sick.

Scorpio How many trees had to die to make the cheap wood paneling in your apartment, Scorpio? A better question: how many days will pass before you tell your landlord that you scorched half the wall when you passed out on your futon again with a lit Doral 100 in your lap?

Sagittarius Who’s this Paul McCartney that you’re always going on about? Bigfoot is my hero and you don’t hear me constantly blathering about him. You think McCartney could lord over the North American wilderness, evading capture for centuries? He probably can’t even talk to animals or lift even a moderate sized boulder with which to menace his adversaries. …Give me a break.

Capricorn Ignore my prediction from a couple of weeks ago, Capricorn. Turns out that was a coffee stain on your star chart. My bad. I deeply regret any inconvenience caused by the probable animal attack that resulted if you followed that particular advice.

Aquarius This week focus on secreting calcium-rich mucus that will solidify into a hardened outer shell. In theory, this new exoskeleton will both thwart would-be predators and look nice on the beach house lawn once you molt.

Pisces Considering you’re the type to take the elevator to the third floor of the Y to use the Stair Master, I recommend a home gym for a stricter regimen. You can do it for next to nothing, man. Shoot, I’d just run an orange drop cord out the bedroom window, put a treadmill out near the shed and stake up a blue tarp to keep out the rain. Let the dawg guard it. …Shoot.