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Aries This batch of horoscopes is dedicated to—and will be written in the fashion of—some of this Guv’s favorite bad jokes. Aries, as I’m using your horoscope to introduce them, your prediction for this week is still floating out in the cosmos somewhere. For your safety, I recommend that you hole up in your apartment until further notice.

Taurus A blonde, you will walk into a library and say, “I’d like a burger and fries to go, please.” The librarian will reply, “I’m sorry, this is a library.” So you will whisper, “I’d like a burger and fries to go, please.”

Gemini You and one other drunk will be thrown out of a bar and will be walking down the street when you’ll come across a dog sitting on the curb, licking his balls. After observing the dog for a moment you will quip, “I sure wish I could do that!” The other drunk will look at you and say, “I think I’d try petting him first.”

Cancer George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Bill Clinton will be traveling in a motorcade when suddenly a tornado will come along and whirl them up into the air. When they come to, they’ll realize they’re in the land of Oz and will decide to go see the Wizard. Bush will say, “I’m going to ask the Wizard for a brain.” Cheney will say, “I’m going to ask for a heart.” Clinton will ask, “Where’s Dorothy?”

Leo After a few too many, you will vomit on yourself at the bar, then lament to the bartender how much trouble you’ll be in with your wife for ruining your good shirt. The bartender will stick a $10 in your pocket and advise you to tell your wife that a stranger vomited on you and gave you cash to cover the dry cleaning. At home, you’ll tell her the story, she’ll check your pocket and ask, “Why are there two $10 bills in here?” “Oh yeah,” you’ll answer, “…he crapped my pants, too.”

Virgo You will die and be taken to a place of eternal torment. Passing raging fire pits and shrieking sinners, you will see a lawyer you know snuggling up to a beautiful woman. “That’s unfair!” you’ll cry. “I have to roast for eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman?” “Shut up,” the devil will bark. “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

Libra You will suffer a flatulence problem when you arrive to pick up your date at her parents’ house. When the family dog sits beside you on the couch you will ease one out knowing that the parents would think it was the dog. For half an hour, each time you fart, the girl’s parents will scold the dog and tell it to get off the couch. Finally you’ll really rip one and the father will swat at the dog and yell, “Get off the couch before this guy craps on it!”

Scorpio You will hear a waiter walk up to a table of old ladies eating their lunch and ask, “Is anything OK?”

Sagittarius You will ascend Mt. Sinai and attempt to talk to God. You’ll ask the heavens, “God, what does a million years mean to you?” To your astonishment, the Lord will reply, “A minute.” You’ll ask, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?” The Lord will reply, “A penny.” You’ll ask, “May I have a penny?” The Lord will reply, “In a minute.”

Capricorn Mickey Mouse will have a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse and will speak to the judge about the separation. “I’m sorry Mickey,” the judge will say, “but I can’t legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane.” Mickey will reply, “I didn’t say she was mentally insane, I said that she’s f–king goofy!”

Aquarius Trying to get across a river next week you will suddenly spot a Clemson fan on the other side. You will yell over to the fan, “Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?” After surveying the river for a long moment, the Clemson fan will scratch his head and yell back “You ARE on the other side!”

Pisces An Amish boy and his father will visit a mall and be particularly amazed when they come upon the elevator, an invention they had never before seen. They will watch in wonder as an old woman enters the elevator, the doors close, lights blink above it, and moments later the doors reopen and a busty 24-year-old woman emerges. The father will turn to the boy in astonishment and say, “Quick, go get your mother!”