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I’m sure Verizon won’t make up a million hidden charges just for me to get a new phone.

Who hasn’t had that experience? Another week of LTR’s. Every paper has letters to the editor, but these letters are to you!

Dear party in a gated community,

Are you some type of feudal lord? Another gate? I’ve been lost in this maze of tastefully-lit cookie cutter homes for so long I’m starting to think I’ve bumbled into a gated community within a gated community. A few more gates and then what? Narnia? Remember how simple our parties were in the college days? I just want a beer, that’s all… and then maybe to puke in your well-manicured yard. Columbia City Paper

Dear Vend-A-Moo milk machine, You are as novel and fun as you are slightly unnerving. And, hey, why pop down to the store for a gallon of 2 percent when we can drive 60 miles out into the rural countryside to enjoy your quirky brand of drive-thru convenience? All we need now is a self serve Fruity Pebbles kiosk.

Columbia City Paper

Dear uncomfortable innuendo guy,

Wow, you really have an uncanny gift to put a creepy sexual spin on any phrase. When a coworker complains about the temperature of her coffee, with cat-like reflexes you offer to warm her up. With the prowess of a linguistics scholar you can turn a chat about cell phone service into a subtle treatise on the girth of your chubby. Should you decide to channel that talent into another direction, you could go into politics. Oh, you’re already running for office? Columbia City Paper

Dear vehicle passenger,

You’ve hit repeat on that weepy Dashboard Confessional song five times already. If I have to suffer through the song again at least let the guy sing it by himself. And thanks for telling me you had drugs in the car just when I noticed I was doing 60 in a school zone. How about this? Put your seat belt on, shut your mouth about how hot Ann Coulter would be naked and pick the sunflower seeds off my new car mats. And—aw, man, open a window!

Columbia City Paper

Dear “one of those days,”

I didn’t think this thing would be like a leaky faucet after I turned 30. Probably something terminal. Weird, the curve of my belly is actually starting to hide that tattoo and—great, I dropped by new cell phone in the toilet! May as well go ahead and finish what I’m doing before I fish it out. That’s what they invented antibacterial soap for, right? I’m sure Verizon won’t make up a million hidden charges just for me to get a new phone. If this is an omen for how the rest of my day is going to be I may as well go home, veg out to a “Sanford and Son” marathon with a box of wine and try again tomorrow.

Columbia City Paper

Dear passive aggressive socialite,

Haaaaay, how are yeeeew? It is soo good to seeee you! I love your new haircut; it looks so much better now. Hey, how’s business? I saw you were still in print and was really surprised. That’s great, wonderful, it really is… yeah. And, how’s Elizabeth? Oh, wait, I’m sooo embarasssssed. That’s right, I heard she left you for that carnie when the fair came through and—what? He was a circus midget? Well, I’m soo sorry, sweetie. Anyway, I’m late for bridge, but I wish you the best success, I reeeally do.

Columbia City Paper