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“Dude, it’s pronounced ‘quiche.’”

Aries

Having survived 10 at sea days on an inflatable raft with your shipmate, provisions long gone, you’ll wake to him praying for God to grant just one wish. Moments later there’ll be a loud clap from heaven and you’ll notice that the entire ocean has turned to beer. “See that?” he’ll say proudly. “All the beer we can drink!” “Great move, Einstein,” you’ll say. “Now we’re gonna have to piss in the boat.”

Taurus

You will be stopped at a DUI checkpoint after a raucous holiday party. Shining his flashlight into your car, a cop will ask if you’ve been drinking. “Why? Can you smell the booze?” you’ll ask. “No,” the cop will reply, “it’s the hideous woman in the passenger seat that gave you away.”

Gemini

Your redneck brother will die unexpectedly next week and upon reading his will you’ll find that he left everything to his widow. …Too bad she can’t touch the money until she turns 14.

Cancer

You will walk into Tavern on Greene and sit down next to a hippie with a dog at his feet. “Does your dog bite?” you’ll ask. “No.” A few minutes later the dog will bite a chunk out of your ankle. “Ouch! I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite,” you’ll say indignantly. “That’s not my dog.”

Leo

Girl, don’t worry that you’ve put on a few extra pounds after all these years of marriage. You know what they say: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed; married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Virgo

A Deadhead hippie, you’ll get lost after an out of town show while trying to find your friend’s pad and will have to call for directions. “Tell me where you are man,” Cosmo will offer, “and I’ll come pick you up.” “Uh… I’m at the intersection of Walk, Don’t Walk.” “Dude!” Cosmo will say excitedly, “That’s totally right outside my building!”

Libra

After your GOP committee meeting you’ll retire to get tanked in a Vista bar. After staring for some time at the only woman in the room, you’ll walk over and kiss her. After she slaps you, you’ll apologize, “I’m sorry, I thought you were my wife. You look exactly alike.” “You worthless, no good drunk!” she’ll scream. “Funny,” you’ll say, “you even sound just like her.”

Scorpio

You’ll walk up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch and ask what his secret is to happiness and long life. “I smoke three packs a day,” he’ll say. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.” “That’s amazing,” you’ll say. “How old are you?” “Twenty-six.”

Sagittarius

A 40-year-old schoolmarm, you’ll only marry a man who’s never been with a woman. Finally, you’ll meet a man from the Australian outback who meets your criteria. On your wedding night you’ll walk from the bathroom to see him standing naked in the room with all the furniture piled in front of the door. “I’ve never been with a woman,” he’ll say. “But if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’ll need all the room I can get!”

Capricorn

You’ll be working on a high-rise construction project when one of the guys falls to his death. Randy, claiming he’s good with “sensitive stuff,” will offer to tell the man’s wife. Two hours later he’ll return with a six-pack of beer, claiming it was a gift from the widow. “A gift?” you’ll ask. “Well, not exactly. When I saw her I said, ‘You must be Bill’s widow.’ ‘I’m not a widow,’ she said. So I says, ‘Wanna bet me a six-pack?’”

Aquarius

You’ll be having brunch at Goatfeather’s when your hot waitress asks what you’d like. “A quickie,” you’ll say and she’ll walk away in disgust. Another, more beautiful waitress will take her place and when you grin and tell her that you’d like “a quickie” she’ll slap you and storm off. Finally, a man in the booth behind you will whisper, “Dude, it’s pronounced ‘quiche.’”

Pisces

You will go into the pharmacy before a hot date to buy condoms. “Yeah,” you’ll say to the pharmacist, “we’re having dinner at her place then going out. I know I’m gonna score and I can tell she’ll be begging for more, so you better make it a 12 pack.” Later at dinner with her parents, you’ll say grace. “I didn’t know you were religious,” she’ll whisper. You’ll lean to her and say, “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist.”