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He’s a man of vision …

Remember the career counselor who told you to pursue your liberal arts degree; that if you do what you love, the money will follow? Well, you’ll spare that counselor embarrassment by remaining silent from inside the giant rat costume, when he brings his family to Chuck E. Cheese next week.

Aries You are against cruelty to animals and agree with the vegetarian ethos, yet you also love KFC fried chicken. How do you reconcile the two? With some mashed potatoes and brown gravy.

Taurus Spice up your routine in the bedroom this week. For instance, you may want to switch to a large print bible for your nightly session as it’s too difficult to read the small print through your leather fetish gimp mask.

Gemini You will spend so much time perfecting your burrow and egg chamber that by the time you finish all reproduction-aged males will have either been devoured or moved on to their molting stages.

Cancer Take the first step toward realizing your dreams. When I was younger, I often dreamt of running away, taking a bus to Vegas and dancing in a showgirl review. I’d split rent with a sassy Latin girl from the club and we’d have melodramatic arguments with club owners and smoke cigarettes and follow our dreams to see our names in lights. And, God, how it would rain men. …Sorry, what was I talking about?

Leo Girl, get your man back on the treadmill this week. Snap photos of him while he dozes shirtless in his recliner during Monday Night Football. But don’t do this out of any sort of affection; instead tack them up around the house under headings like “Who ordered flap jacks?” and “Look what you’ve become.” He’ll love it, and you, all the more.

Virgo Life will imitate a B-rate horror movie when a freak lightning strike shocks life into the pile of Hormel chili cans and other detritus that have been piled behind your kitchen garbage can for three years. “Father?” it will shout to you as you pause Halo 3 and stare in horror from the couch. “Father! Give me a name!”

Libra Frisby golf is an evil bitch goddess, man. But, if it’s in your blood, if you get the calling, all you can do is strap your ass in and take the ride. The sound of the disc sliding into the little basket, the plastic flag flapping, the sweat bands… ain’t nothing like it. I’ve lost three wives, lived a life on the tournament road. But, would I do it all over again? Well, if you’d ever taken up the disc, really taken her up, you wouldn’t have to ask.

Scorpio Bring a bit of home with you to work this week. Like the pillow you scream into for two solid minutes after each retail shift. Keep freshly laundered pillows in your car and at work for more convenient screaming. Your coworkers and annoying customers will view you in a whole new light. Trust me.

Sagittarius After reading Living Biblically, a book about a guy who followed the Bible literally for a year, you’ll attempt the same with mixed results. The neighbors will overlook you sacrificing lambs on your backyard altar, baptizing people in the 5 Pts fountain and yelling “unclean” at hippies because no lepers are around. Though their patience will wane after you set that bush on fire with a Zippo.

Capricorn Even though the elderly heiress to the Kleenex fortune has breath that smells like a mixture of peanut butter crackers and cafeteria dumpster, just suffer through it. Tell her it smells like angels wings, take her in your arms and just try to think of the new Ralph Lauren shirt you can buy with your allowance. (But, you’re on your own when she takes out her dentures, dude.)

Aquarius In a heart wrenching moment of brutal honesty at the coffee shop you will weep and reveal to your fellow bespectacled 20-somethings that you really can’t stand Dave Eggers. Further you’ll admit a belief that John Mayer should get a manual labor job, shack up with a redhead and get stomped in a bar alley a couple of times before trying to play the blues.

Pisces Remember the career counselor who told you to pursue your liberal arts degree; that if you do what you love, the money will follow? Well, you’ll spare that counselor embarrassment by remaining silent from inside the giant rat costume, when he brings his family to Chuck E. Cheese next week.