Greenville's free alternative weekly

ltr’s from 9/27/06

Dear arm chair copy editors, loyal readers, and fun-loving booze hounds, More often than not, we’re banging out articles right up until the very hour we go to press. Sometimes a typo or two will slip by, like “Fussudio” instead of “Sussudio” in last issue’s Phil Collins gag. So we’d like to propose a fun new drinking game: whenever you see a typo, do a straight up shot of Wild Turkey. For punctuation errors, add a beer chaser. Misspelled names are huge and would call for a Boilermaker. By the time you get to the end of the paper, you will have learned something and will be nice and tanked, to boot! Columbia City Paper

Dear hawk, You guys live in Rosewood? That’s pretty cool. Glad to know you’ve found a viable habitat. Now that we’re neighbors, could you be more neighborly and not noisily devour a screaming sparrow in a low-lying tree branch while my girlfriend is jogging? Thanks. Columbia City Paper Dear Paris Hilton, Bummer about the DUI, though we doubt people will see you on a moped, holding up traffic on your way back from the mini mart with a plastic sack of Strawberry Boone’s Farm. …Wish we could say the same for our sales manager! Columbia City Paper

Dear Chris Wallace, Clinton made you flinch! Man you got dealt with! But, hey it’s only your dignity …on national television. Do your research next time, dude (for crying out loud, you can even get the 9/11 Commission Report in graphic novel form). Columbia City Paper

Dear S.C. State Fair, Holy methamphetamine Christmas, you’re almost here! I can just about smell the burning tin foil and butane wafting from behind the Tilt- A-Whirl as I write this. This year should be especially fun since City Paper will hopefully dispatch an unlucky correspondent to witness a three-day carnie drug binge with you guys while trying to infiltrate the Freak Show. Oh yeah, also, it’s kind of scary hearing “What do you mean we only have six bolts and there’s supposed to be 12? Just spread ‘em out!” while you’re setting up the Ferris Wheel and we’re playing softball nearby. Columbia City Paper

Dear area Families, We weren’t aware that 6-year-olds took an interest in our paper, but according to a handful of local buiness owners, they must. These “family” coffee shops, bars, and liquor stores (wish we were kidding) have tossed the papers, racks and all, for fear of giving Grandma a coronary. City Paper believes that family is the cornerstone of society and, as such, we have decided to implement a rating system. In the future, we also plan to work closely with engineers to develop child- and elderly-proof page locks. Columbia City Paper: “Putting families first.” Columbia City Paper Dear Jim DeMint, We agree that al Qaeda should be wiped out, but we don’t need to ignore the Geneva Convention and set up organized, state sanctioned torture camps to do it. Lindsey Graham should be applauded for having the cojones to stand up against Bush’s “detainee interrogation program” and for the judicial processes upon which our great country was founded (not to mention basic human decency). Sure, it’s suspected that Graham has a little sugar in his tank, but that’s not as sick as you Republican lap dogs who get off on torture. We reprinted this Abu Ghraib torture photo for your pleasure, Sen. DeMint. So tie on that leather gimp mask, strap that red rubber ball in your mouth, and enjoy. Columbia City Paper