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Horoscopes 9/27/06

Aries It’s possible to believe in both Christianity and life on other planets. But to do that you must also accept that Jesus would have to fulfill his destiny on a variety of planets in a variety of slimy, tentacled forms. Good luck coming up with a religious-themed bumper sticker for that.

Taurus Congratulations, Taurus. You will finally get the keys to the executive men’s room. Your promotion couldn’t have come at a better time, considering that your boss unknowingly locked your stash in there last week.

Gemini You’ve dropped your first rhyme, but before it hits the airwaves, you’ll need a street name. Avoid adjectives like “Ice,” “Money,” and “Killa.” Instead, choose a name that couples your secret love of romantic comedies with your mild allergy to cats. Your future fans will appreciate the honesty.

Cancer A mysterious hippie will turn up in the background of your cousin’s wedding photos. Sure, it’s not a wedding reception without at least one hippie, but you usually don’t see them in late summer/ early autumn, as they are out of season. Take the sighting as an omen and beware.

Leo Try shaving your moustache into a sleeker, more modern style. It will be easier to maintain and will better compliment the dress you plan to wear to bridge club.

Virgo I foresee an eventful holiday season in your future, full of Christmas trees and fireworks. Of course, you’ll be selling them on the side of the road to carloads of happy families as you huddle over a hotplate of simmering beans to stay warm. But, hey, it could be worse. …Well, not really.

Libra These days, rat-like lap dogs are the hottest fashion accessories. Here’s a tip from the cosmos to give you a leg up on the next big “bio-fashion” trend: the elderly. Find one that compliments your style, throw a pink bangle collar on it, and hit the club!

Scorpio When I suggested that you go online and find people who are into “scat,” I meant the jazz vocal style. You should, uh, probably cancel that dinner date.

Sagittarius Your sincere consumer testimony on that Frisbee Golf infomercial will move me to buy a set for each of my staff members. My press secretary and I will break a lamp in the Statehouse hall on the “9th hole,” but will blame it on Bauer.

Capricorn Scorpio, get that spinach out of your mouth! Apparently, Popeye was full of crap, man.

Aquarius A gentleman of valor is he who kisses the lips that do not speak. A line as true today as it was when it hit Shakespeare’s cutting room floor.

Pisces Hey, I heard that Coast Guard Guys get paid for every drug seizure. I’ve had plenty of drug seizures, especially back in the 70s, and no one gave me any money. Huh? Oh…