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Deric Spoils The Movie

The Covenant (2006) ‘Horror-light’ for the PG-13 Hollister crowd In 1692 the five founding families of the Ipswich colony in Massachusetts formed a covenant of silence in the face of intense persecution in neighboring Salem; they would conceal their gifts of witchcraft for generations to come to ensure the survival of their families—and their powers. It is believed that one of the families’ bloodlines ended with an execution during the Puritan witch hunts, leaving four of the original families to advance their secrets through their progeny. Therefore we fast-forward 300-plus years to the present day… …where director Renny Harlin (known for hits Die Hard 2 and Cliffhanger as well as flops Cutthroat Island and Exorcist: The Beginning) brings us The Covenant, a tale of four affluent teenagers who as descendants of the original families of Ipswich have inherited (in addition to substantial family wealth) incredibly sculpted physiques and rapidly blossoming powers of witchcraft. Steven Strait stars as Caleb Danvers, the de-facto leader of the motley crew of witchcraft-using teens who is nearly his eighteenth birthday, the date when he will ‘ascend’ and his inherited powers will drastically increase. Troubles arise for our four gifted youths at a party to kick off the new school year wherein after a narrow escape from the police, a young boy who had been causing trouble at the party is found dead. As visions of the deceased plague the “boys of Ipswich,” the use of witchcraft is suspected in the slaying-with none of the boys admitting to its’ use. As bizarre occurrences start happening around campus it is deduced that if they aren’t using witchcraft, someone else must be. Enter Chase Collins, recent transfer student and— Surprise— descendant of the fifth family of Ipswich long thought deceased. With a flash of fire across his retinas turning his entire eyeballs completely black, it is discovered that Chase has already ascended and is therefore much more powerful than any of the others. The use of witchcraft in the story is portrayed as a drug-addictive and causing premature aging. To offset his heavy witchcraft use Chase proceeds to hold the lives of Caleb’s friends’ hostage in exchange that Caleb will yield his power to him-with the hope that Caleb’s death will prolong his own life. Caleb decides to fight instead, and with his dying breath Caleb’s decrepit father yields his power to his son, increasing his magical might tremendously. Caleb wins, yet the body of Chase cannot be found. The Covenant bills itself as a horror movie, however, the end result is far from its intention. How scary can a PG-13 movie really be? There exists a plethora of historical content that could have served as the backbone for a truly intriguing concept, however, this remains largely untapped as the film serves up brilliant lines such as “Easy as pie” and fight sequences full of lame Matrix-esque special effects. While the ending remains somewhat ambiguous and implies a sequel, instead of waiting for a mediocre follow-up to a mediocre film a much better effort on behalf of the viewer would be to rent The Craft (1996), which at least with an R-rating has a significantly higher creep factor. The Covenant is a moderately amusing diversion, yet underachieves on nearly every level. The Covenant (2006) starring Steven Strait, Sebastian Stan, Laura Ramsey, Taylor Kitsch and Toby Hemingway is directed by Renny Harlin and rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action, some disturbing images, sexual content, partial nudity and language. Opening in Wide Release This Week: The Black Dahlia Synopsis: A story of murder, mystery, and intrigue surrounding the death of a Hollywood starlet in 1947. Prediction: With Brian De Palma at the helm, this should prove an amusing diversion Everyone’s Hero Synopsis: Animated adventure of a young boy on a quest to return a baseball bat to Babe Ruth. Prediction: Flavor of the week in kiddie fare. Gridiron Gang Synopsis: The Rock and Xibit star as the coaches of a youth detention football team. Prediction: Natural charisma of The Rock and Xibit aside, this story has been done to death. The Last Kiss Synopsis: A young man struggles to adapt to adulthood as his parents reach middle age. Prediction: YAWN Also Playing This Week: Accepted √ Synopsis: University rejects decide to create their own school. Verdict: Funny movie -BUT- not funny enough to still be in theaters. Barnyard: The Original Party Animals √ Synopsis: Farm animals talk when people aren’t around! Verdict: Don’t worry we’ll have a new CGI kids movie this week. Crank √ Synopsis: In order to survive, a poisoned hit man has to keep his adrenaline up. Verdict: “Rated R for violence, pervasive language, sexuality, nudity and drug use.” The story of my life! Crossover X Synopsis: Two young aspiring basketball players try to win an underground tournament. Verdict: I’m not even going to dignify this movie with a witty remark. Hollywoodland √ Synopsis: The story behind the mysterious death television’s Superman actor. Verdict: Enjoyable, yet amusing that so many movies from Hollywood now are about…Hollywood. How to Eat Fried Worms X Synopsis: Based on the children’s book – guess what it’s about?? Verdict: Read my new book entitled “How to see a different movie.” Idlewild X Synopsis: Outkast’s musical motion picture debut set in the prohibition-era South. Verdict: “You have to appreciate it for what it is…” said a man exiting the theater. I did. FLUSH! Invincible √ Synopsis: A 30-year-old nobody makes it into the NFL. Verdict: Football movies released at the start of the new season…coincidence??? Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest √ Synopsis: Captain Jack Sparrow discovers he owes a blood debt to the legendary Davey Jones. Verdict: Now the third largest grossing movie of all time! The Protector √ Synopsis: A martial arts master takes on the Australian mob to rescue…his elephants. Verdict: Lame plot, but the fights are awesome. Snakes on a Plane √ Synopsis: You have but one guess as to what this movie is about. Verdict: And the Oscar goes to…some other movie. Step Up X Synopsis: A hard luck kid from Baltimore “steps up” his dance game to get the girl. Verdict: Dance movies will never be cool. Ever. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby √ Synopsis: Will Ferrell is a NASCAR racing sensation whose attitude makes him a national hero. Verdict: Typical Will Ferrell comedy…laugh, rinse, repeat. The Wicker Man X Synopsis: On a mysterious Island a police officer searches for a missing girl residents claim never existed. Verdict: The original is a cult-classic. This film blows. The End. World Trade Center X Synopsis: September 11th, 2001 through the eyes of two trapped NYPD officers. Verdict: Go see this if you think exploiting national tragedy for financial gain is cool.