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LTR’s from 8/30/06

Dear Self Righteous Yankees, Some of you just moved to USC and sometimes that comes with an “I’m better than you” attitude towards anyone who has a southern drawl. You’ll claim fast food takes longer at drive thru’s and you’ll blame everything that doesn’t go your way on the South. You’ll come to find out that it’s just Sonic that sucks at 2 a.m. (as well as your attitude). Whatsa’ matta’, you ain’t used to people bein’ polite, ya mook? Don’t worry, you’ll discover eclectic Five Points, the thriving and educated business community, and maybe one day you’ll connect with a redneck whom you’ll discover isn’t that different from you at all. Columbia City Paper

Dear Drinkers, For the next three weeks there will be a special mobile unit located discreetly in Five Points for breathalyzer testing. It’s like having a drive thru for DUI’s and drunken disorderlys. They’ll process you on the spot and transport groups to Alvin S. Glenn Detention Center. Don’t worry, after the city raises some revenue for failed construction projects during their “Welcome Back Operation,” the ratio of hobos to police will return to the regular 20-1. In three weeks you’ll be able to party like a college student once again. Columbia City Paper

Dear older meter maid, Some merchants in Five Points are referring to you, the white haired older lady as the “Ticket Nazi”. Try not to march like a soldier. And, it wouldn’t kill you to be polite to people on the streets. The other meter maids in the area are respectful to those they ticket and do their jobs well. So get over whatever happened in gym class or Catholic grammar school, and start treating the taxpayers and the City of Columbia with a little respect. If you can’t handle the power you get when you put on that meter maid’s uniform, consider wearing a nun’s outfit and bringing a ruler on your next patrol. Columbia City Paper

Dear Honeycombs, You will be missed. We all fondly remember the sound of your freshman occupants shrieking obscenities at each other from opposing balconies like feuding apes. Passersby will also miss running the gauntlet near Moore, where one could be anonymously pelted by unopened soda cans or peed upon by some dweeb aiming through the lattice on the 6th floor. But, perhaps your personal touches will be missed most, like the “Roof Access” sign in Snowden that someone changed to read “Roofies Sex.” Adieu, Honeycombs. R.I.P. Columbia City Paper

Dear Hippies, What the heck is going on over at The Grow? The new paint job is cool, though. Kind of like something you’d see on the side of a van that’s parked out front of a Partridge Family show in the ‘70s. The painted bubbles work, but we can go ahead and tell you that if you plan to paint a unicorn, it’ll clash with the Hulk. Columbia City Paper

Dear (Col.) Lindsay Graham, It’s pretty cool that you are the only U.S. Senator currently on active duty in a branch of the military. I guess it is still don’t ask, don’t tell. We heard you recently visited Afghanistan and met with leaders to encourage them to adopt a new system of law and government. Hey, uh, while you’re in the mood to fight Third World suffering, ya think maybe you change the similar conditions off the I-95 corridor in your home state? Columbia City Paper

Dear Health Nut Girlfriends, While counting and commenting on every single calorie of every single bit of food or drink that passes between your man’s lips, please consider that a hyperactive 170 lb. male has different nutritional needs than a 102 lb. teeny lady. Please. We’re all starving. No, sweetheart, you can eat a dry salad with a glass of lemon water for dinner. ‘Think I’ll head out back and start grilling the pets for protein. Columbia City Paper

Dear Fake Handicapped, We’re sick of seeing you people park your cars in handicapped parking spaces only to get out and sashay into the building without even a visible limp. We propose that handicapped permit fraud could be “cut in half,” so to speak, by implementing a new “Three Limb” law. This law will require a handicapped permit holder to have no more than two (2) arms and legs or vice versa OR three (3) arms and no legs respectively. Individuals suffering from blindness, deafness, and those with mild paralysis will be considered on a case-by-case basis under the new “Well You Can Walk Can’t You?” statute. We also feel that the handicapped should be made to pay a $200 fine for parking in spaces allotted for the non-handicapped. Those who agree should contact your local legislator immediately. Columbia City Paper