Horoscopes
August 30th, 2006
Horoscopes By Gov. Sanford from 8/30/06
Aries Rats gain independence from their mothers after just three weeks. Seeing as you’re roughly 40 times the size of a rat, er, relatively speaking… Nah, it’s still pathetic to live with your parents at 36, dude.
Taurus Snort a line of dust off your ceiling fan blade to jumpstart you immune system for Fall.
Gemini Retro fashion will backfire, leaving Columbia’s hipster hierarchy in flux after Randy Dinkle, formerly the dominant male, strolls into the Whig in an ironic pair of 80s bicycle shorts during Ladies Night. …Just imagine a cashew tightly wrapped in black cellophane.
Cancer The qualities that you find endearing about your girl are also the ones the make her bat nuts insane.
Leo Aw, your haircut isn’t that bad, Capricorn. Look at the bright side: from the front that shaved section makes you look like a cop. From behind, the piece that sweeps in from the side captures the romance of a sportscaster with a comb-over in a high wind. And, I’m sure you can paint over that bald part.
Virgo When I suggested that you take up “collecting” as a hobby, I didn’t mean your own urine in plastic soda bottles.
Libra Nothing like seeing the stars and bars glide up the flagpole every morning, eh, Libra? I would shed a tear, but abuse of prescription eye drops over the decades has eliminated my tear production completely. Joy, pain, all emotions pass blankly by. Inside I shriek! I wail! Yet, the gods ignore my pleas. I can’t even weep for my handicap! Do you hear me? I CAAAN’T EVEN WEEP!
Scorpio Girlfriend, it’s time to grow up and forge ahead with your plans to be a kindergarten teacher. I found that being the town drunk lost its allure once I turned 21. Similarly, you will find that turning 18 takes some of the fun out those late nights in the Jungle Jim’s stock room with the door guys.
Sagittarius You will find a scrap– just a scrap– of respect for Giraldo Rivera after seeing a photo of him from the 70s, wacked out, and hanging with Cheech and Chong.
Capricorn We had another one of your tables cancel the shaved onion appetizer, Capricorn! How many times have I told you to stop picking at that disgusting rash in front of the diners?
Aquarius Overnight, two houseflies will act out the beauty and pain of the circle of life– eating, sleeping, mating, and dying– in the pot of coffee that you will reheat and drink the following morning on your way to work.
Pisces Halfway through a long jog, the fact that you are a respected real estate attorney will enter your mind while you squat to take a dump off to the side of someone’s driveway before wiping with one of your socks.
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