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LTR’s from August 2, 2006

Dear Cockroaches of Columbia, I don’t care if it’s politically correct to call you a “Palmetto bug.” You’re a f#!king cockroach. Even though I know you’ve been amassing a million-roach colony under this city since the goddamn Hoover administration, I’m still going to take you out one by one with my rolled up copy of Big Booty Bitches or by taping lit Black Cats to your little brown armored backs. There’s nothing worse that seeing your wirey tentacles pointing up at me from my shower drain or listening to the sound of you and a dozen of your disease infested buddies as I grind you to bits in the garbage disposal. It’s time you went back to Myrtle Beach where you sick bastards belong. Columbia City Paper

Dear Frank Johnson, Please contact the Columbia City Paper immediately. Not the Frank Johnson from Cherokee Drive in West Columbia, but the Frank Johnson who is obsessed with Kris Kristofferson and the Gamecocks. Repeat: We are paging Frank Johnson. Columbia City Paper

Dear SCE&G, Shame, shame! We heard you’re causing trouble again! This time you’re suing the City of Columbia Board of Zoning Appeals because they blocked you from building a power station in a residential area near Gills Creek Pkwy. As of press time, we haven’t heard from Mike, the press guy at Zoning Appeals, but we still plan to keep an eye on you. And, if you keep adversely affecting homeowner’s property values, we may have to put you in time-out. Columbia City Paper

Dear August Kreis III, Host of The Aryan Nations World Conference Bar-B-Q Picnic in Lexington, Speaking of lowering property values, we understand that you’ve been catching a lot of flak from your neighbors for hosting Nazi cookouts in your yard. Some have even posted hateful signs near your property. It sucks to be a persecuted minority, huh? We also read on your website that you don’t feel you’re getting a fair shake from local “jewspapers.” We can’t speak for Warner Montgomery or Eric Hancock’s religious beliefs, but the CCP editorial board only consists of three drunks and a fallen Catholic. …But, yeah, we still think you’re nuts. Columbia City Paper

Dear lady in the checkout line at Wal-Mart, You are totally on meth right now, we can so tell. Look at the way your teeth are all rotted out and your arms look like two chicken bones with the skin peeling off. Look how your eyes are so sunken in that you look like a casting reject for Alien Autopsy and how your hair keeps falling off in clumps, getting stuck in the checkout conveyor belt. And that pile of lithium batteries, trucker speed, motor oil and cough syrup in front of you isn’t helping anything, believe me. Columbia City Paper

Dear annoying used car dealer commercials, Who doesn’t get stuck watching you for 20 minutes before we realize they aren’t going to end? And those freakin’ dumb characters you have…the Discount Dog and the Markdown Maniac, are you kidding me? You could do so much better. For any car dealers out there who DON’T have a classic car-selling character yet, here’s a couple we thought up just for you: The No Money Down Clown, the Discount Douchebag, The Crappy Credit Crackhead or Freddy-F#!ks-a-lot, the Finance Freebaser. THOSE should hit your target audience, especially in the Red Bank/Pelion market. Columbia City Paper

Dear Finlay Park, Holy hobo holiday! At least we don’t have to bring our own bases for a game of softball anymore. “The guy under the red blanket is first, the woman shooting up and shaking in the fetal position in second and that dude passed out with the King Cobra spilled on his chest is third. Automatic homerun if you belt one out passed the couple knotted up in a sleeping bag on the swinging bench.” Columbia City Paper

Dear John Kerry, How did that water taste at your fundraiser in West Columbia? We apologize two-fold. One for the fact that S.C. doesn’t do the required quality water testing required in these parts and secondly for serving you tap water from a used Styrofoam cup. (CCP writers weren’t really scheduled to be working in the kitchen and we didn’t know where the bottled water was.) Now that CCP is one year old, maybe we’ll start getting press passes to these kind of things. But for now enjoy the coverage of your event, Hutchins mesquite style. (p. 16) Columbia City Paper