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Gov. Sammy reads your palm for the June 6, 2006 issue

Aries You will have your faith put to the test this week when you discover that the ending of the Christian-themed novel Left Behind 12: The Appearing bears a strange resemblance to Return of the Jedi.

Taurus Even though you believe wearing a Hawaiian shirt will strip you of your dignity, trust me dude, you should totally wear one to divorce court next week.

Gemini Your crummy SunCom phone will actually come in handy when you lose the keys to your car at a shopping mall: you will use it to break the driver’s side window and retrieve change from the console for the payphone down the street.

Cancer It will suddenly dawn on you why every indie band gazes pensively off to the left in their promo photos: a very, very sad looking squeaky toy.

Leo Leo, what would your dog say about you if it could talk? I shudder to think, but at least we would all know why the Mayonnaise always disappears faster than it should and your boxers smell like dog breath

Virgo After reading through news reports that Pat Robertson leg pressed 2,000 pounds you will purchase a case of his health shakes from CBN, only to give yourself a hernia trying to lift a VW Bug for your buddies in the parking lot at Office Depot

Libra In a move of sheer business genius, you will save 85 percent on materials and labor by offering a spray-on farmer’s tan at your salon.

Scorpio You will rethink your newfound love when you buy a 12-pack of condoms and she comments: “Oooh, you bought a year’s supply!”

Sagittarius Even though you’ll know that you’re out of beer next Sunday, you will periodically catch yourself opening the fridge door and blankly staring inside in desperate hope that maybe you missed a bottle the previous five times.

Capricorn It’s time that you stop suffering in silence. Admit it: you secretly hate golf and selling insurance and palmetto tree & crescent moon stickers on your Suburban. This week, ask Bunny and the kids for permission to join a Dokken tribute band.

Aquarius To save your hairdo from the rain and avoid embarrassment, you will place a plastic diaper on your head to walk the three blocks to work

Pisces At the pet supply store, your wife will glance at you and request “enough de-wormer for all three of them,” even though—you will realize with a sinking feeling— you only have two pets.