Horoscopes
June 21st, 2006
june 21, 2006 horoscopes
Aries Just because you took your dad to the strip club for Father’s Day and found out your sister works there, it doesn’t mean he loves you any less. Even if she did give him a dance for free and you forgot to pay for his cover.
Taurus Try a new hangover cure this Saturday morning. Personally, I recommend: one pint of God’s Acre Healing Springs water with two packets of headache powder sprinkled over a plate of Mexican food while watching an episode of the Diva Hair Weaver on UPN. But, that’s just me.
Gemini Now that the primaries are over, it’s time for your secret third party candidate to strike! He couldn’t do it in California, but, by God, Gary Coleman will be a real contender in South Carolina. I suggest running him for treasurer just to get his feet wet. Buy his plane ticket (coach), put him up at the Days Inn until the election and then watch him sweep the ballot! Trust me. “Watchoo talkin’ bout Jeff Willis?”
Cancer Cut yo mama drama some slack, Jack, you dig? Quit bein a jive turkey, hit the club and turn yo closet disco queen into a freaky-deaky Fillet. Sooky, sooky, now!
Leo You will raise the state’s unemployment rate after a misguided attempt to show your boss that you can think outside the box …by wallowing in a kiddy pool in the office hallway, bedecked in aviator shades and swim trunks, sloshing water as you reach to flip hotdogs on the mini grill.
Virgo Instead of treating your dog as a pet, this week treat him with the respect you would show a mentally challenged roommate. Don’t make him do humiliating little routines for treats; it’s degrading. Would you make a homeless man “sit and shake” for a dollar?
Libra Luckily, your toddler hasn’t yet developed the cognitive skills needed to question how his Super Siren Ambulance toy somehow ended up in the path of your lawnmower.
Scorpio Your band will get a leg up on Columbia rock-n-roll shtick when you translate your heart-wrenching lyrics into Klingon.
Sagittarius I hereby declare next mid-week as Wake-n-Bake Wednesday. Everybody call in sick, lick up a Swisher, head to the river and live a little.
Capricorn Spice up your weekend this week by answering one of those Missed Connections in the back of a corporate weekly. Say you were the girl in the pigtails your mystery man saw skipping home from school carrying the Dora the Explorer lunch box and then show up to the date with a can of mace and some hedge clippers.
Aquarius No, Aquarius, you pervert, there is no such thing as a “mile high club” for churches. Pisces For future reference, it’s really not too money to hit on a beach babe while all the other guys are distracted by the gruesome shark attack in progress a few yards away.
Sorry, comments are closed for this article.