Horoscopes
May 24th, 2006
Mr. San Man gives you a treat, with these scopes so sweet…from May 24, 2006
Aries Your musical talent will take you the way of the great Elvis Presley …well, except for the fame, fortune, and movie deals. (Basically, it’s just the dying on the toilet part).
Taurus Lawmakers will eventually ban the sale of sex toys in South Carolina, instantly turning the sock drawers of SC legislators’ wives into crime scenes.
Gemini A relative will give you a set of tasteful magnetic poetry for your birthday. Want to know the first sentence you’ll manage to construct on your fridge door? “Cherish your pet’s tiny red lipstick.” Honestly, Gemini!
Cancer Cute kid, Cancer. Maybe you should buy him that candy bar, while the rest of us here in the checkout line still have partially working eardrums. He was great in The Omen, by the way.
Leo At the country club, you will enter a friendly gentleman’s wager that dares you to found and generate profit from a minor league baseball team called The Blowfish. Meanwhile, poster board and magic markers will become scarce in the upstate, as rival baseball fans scramble to see how many implications for the word “blow” they can fit onto one sign.
Virgo Lt. Governor Bauer: Do not get on the plane on the 23rd! I repeat: DO NOT GET ON THE PLANE! Wait, hold on… What? Today is the 24th? …Oops.
Libra You brought more than a T-shirt home from Bike Week in Myrtle Beach. The sunburn and hangover will be relatively easy to get rid of. The 200 lb. Hell’s Angel who has been crashing on your couch won’t be so easy to ditch.
Scorpio Sweet Georgia Brown! It smells like someone’s broiling an inner tube in here! Oh… dinner? No thanks, Scorpio. I, um, ate at the Statehouse.
Sagittarius All week at the office water cooler you will have to stomach your coworker’s graphic and often disturbing descriptions of modern sex acts. And if you ever find yourself performing the Taffy Twister, The Bob Saget, or Focault’s Pendulum, you should either seek counseling or run for office immediately
Capricorn While your intentions for learning to play the banjo are good, the fact that you have so few teeth will only continue to stigmatize the instrument.
Aquarius Your mom & pop convenience store will be foreclosed upon by USC Corporation’s expansion plan, unless a rag-tag little league team can win the Big Game to raise money. Miraculously, a guy with a mullet and a big dude in an Oakland A’s ball cap will materialize out of thin air to coach the team and– oh, wait, I’m thinking of an old episode of “Highway to Heaven.” Never mind! Looks like your business is screwed. Pisces Your Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder will finally work in your favor when you set a world record for consecutive licks of a refrigerator handle.
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