Horoscopes
April 27th, 2006
The classics…”Give a Buddhist a wedgie to blow off some steam.”
From 1/26/06 issue
Aries You will take the “punch Bug” road game to a sick new extreme after the release of the new Ford Probe.
Taurus It will dawn on you during an upcoming family reunion that your relatives seem akin to something out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre when they actually argue over your deceased grandmother’s dental fillings. Gemini Your girlfriend will relish and display the photos of you in a transitional phase. I never would’ve pegged you for a Whitesnake fan, Gemini. (Snicker.) Hey, if you’re lucky, they’ll headline next year’s 3 Rivers festival! (Blah, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!)
Cancer You will squander your life savings trying to market a moist towelette re-moistener to the hot wings industry. On the bright side, you will never suffer the humiliation of Bar-B-Q stained hands or diaper rash.
Leo Lighten up, Leo! You’ve been grumpier than a Goatfeather’s waitress lately! Give a Buddhist a wedgie to blow off some steam.
Virgo The recent rise in gas prices will force you to rely on your novelty metal detector for a second income. If you work hard at it you should have scraped together enough change to cover a DVD rental by September.
Libra You will literally find your foot in your mouth when you pay a bartender at the Double Deuce and tell him to buy himself “something lacey” with the change.
Scorpio Scorpio, you will be in the same boat as Libra this week. It’s cool to give a book to the newly adopted toddler of the same sex couple down the block. Jokingly doctoring the title to read Bi-Curious George will flop with the parents, however.
Sagittarius You will be way too drunko this Cinco de Mayo. Your evening will begin with a large draught Dos XX. As a result, the movie you make with a stranger in the wee morning hours of Seis de Mayo will require a large Tres XXX!
Capricorn The papers on your racks will continue to disappear, replaced by a menacingly sweet fish wrap called “Tidbits.” You suspect that a nefarious plot is afoot; that an army of cybernetic, post-menopausal destruct-o drones is systematically dismantling human communications systems one newspaper rack at a time. Soon all will be crushed under the iron heels of the Tidbots!
Aquarius Admit it, Aquarius: you are strangely attracted to the “Wake Up With CityPaper” guy.
Pisces Do not think you are alone. It is one of those things that goes unsaid. Most people moisten the paper with the water in the toilet to help with those five wipers.
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