Greenville's free alternative weekly

ahhh the classics from Gov. Sanford* From 1/12/06 issue

Aries Think of your home as your own little spa. After work, spend some quiet time fully immersed in a tomatobased soak garnished with lemon. Afterwards, invite the neighbors over for some of your pasta with special sauce.

Taurus Please, keep your friend from writing one more paige of hack poetry. Also, let her know the haggard goth cheerleader shtick is corny and that blog entries don’t count as “ten years of journalism experience.” Gemini Your social life will suffer an irreparable blow when you download the “Wet Flatulence” ringtone to your mobile phone.

Cancer Your child seems to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. In actuality, she carries the weight of a giant disgusting brown mole. To bypass future psychiatric bills, invest in a bottle of peroxide, some garden shears, and plenty of children’s aspirin …if you know what I mean.

Leo You will feel guilty after drunkenly scribbling a crude joke on your receipt at the bar. George is actually one of your new favorite bartenders and you hope that he can find it in his cruel heart to forgive you.

Virgo A bender in Vegas will screech to a halt in a Disneythemed chapel. During a brief flash of sobriety, you will pull back the veil to kiss your new bride, and only then, in that lighting, will you notice that she bears a striking resemblance to Neil Young.

Libra You read a news story on illegal campaign contributions in The State on April 8. It is eerily similar to an article you read in Columbia City Paper on March 31. Your significant other is much like The State Newspaper, you can’t figure out if they are in bed with someone else or if they are just altogether clueless.

Scorpio It’s wildly irrational, but true: your girlfriend will secretly punish you for something you did in one of her dreams the night before.

Sagittarius Don’t let Spring hay fever ruin your upcoming job interview. Human Resources departments are known for their compassion and will understand when you show up in goggles and a surgical mask.

Capricorn Tragically, you will fall victim to frat boy summer fashion. Your family will silently endure your shaggy Frankenstein hairdo squeezed under a pre-frayed ball cap, your pastel upturned collars, and designer flip-flops. A homoerotic act with a broom handle is not “hazing” and sorry, fellas, those Polo shirts aren’t “salmon-colored,” they’re f#%king pink!

Aquarius The novelty of your non-returnable unicorn wall calendar will wear off by late April, yet you will suffer it for the next eight months out of spite.

Pisces You will enter the bathroom to –WOAH, Sorry! Pisces should’ve knocked first!