Greenville's free alternative weekly

Gov. Sanford Horoscopes 3/16/06

Aries Financial planning is way overrated, man. This year, blow your tax refund at South of the Border. As your governor, I formerly request a giant sombrero and a NASCAR beer coozie.

Taurus In a moment of weakness you will shack up with a mousy brunette schoolteacher who possesses the kind of laugh that’s usually followed by an axe. She would hate to do hurtful, painful things to her pookie-wookie little maaaaannn… SO SHUT UP AND HANG THOSE GODDAMNED CURTAINS!!!

Gemini Take up urban spear fishing to ease workday tension. Simply sharpen a length of bamboo, tie on a leather loincloth, head down to the Vista West Riverwalk, and wade into the river near the Gervais Street Bridge. Don’t worry about gawking joggers when you squat to devour your raw catch on the riverbank… they’re just jealous.

Cancer In honor of the recent passing of Don Knotts you will name your first-born child Barney. With luck your child won’t be born female, or else Barney will have a hell of a hard life.

Leo There is absolutely no shame in having a few beers, cranking up your old Black Flag LPs and forgetting how old you are for an hour or two.

Virgo You have a primer-colored customized compact car that sounds like a weed eater. This Friday night you will rev your engine at the corner of Greene and Harden as a courtship display to females and to ward off other competing bulls. The message you will really send: “I have a small pee pee.”

Libra Keep up those experimental hormone treatments, Libra. The braids in your arm hair have never looked so thick and full.

Scorpio You are reading this issue of the Columbia CityPaper in a port-a-john at MLK Park during the 5 Points St. Patrick’s Day festival. For a brief moment you will be alarmed by the absence of toilet tissue, until, to your relief, you see a pamphlet for the Five Points Association.

Sagittarius In these trying times, you will be utterly puzzled and heartbroken by the bitterness, apathy, and ignorance of Columbia’s supposed bohemian community. Great hair, though.

Capricorn You don’t look so good. Lay off the trucker speed for a couple of days.

Aquarius Your roommate eats the tuna salad you were about to have for lunch. Being passive aggressive will get you no where. Go ahead and rub his toothbrush on your bum.

Pisces You are in the mood for a Reeses, Pisces!