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Horoscopes 2/08/06

Aries Uh-oh! That festering sore on your Valentine’s lip wasn’t caused by an allergy to chocolate, like you were led to believe. Too bad you won’t come to that realization until sometime in March.

Taurus You know the creepy guy at the bar who hovers around your girlfriend like a fart in an elevator every time you turn your back, then grins, tries to shake your hand, and calls you “Chief” when you catch him doing it? …Eight year olds, Dude.

Gemini It’s often hard to distinguish between a homeless person and an English professor. That said, you should exercise caution when being generous to strangers on campus: spare change to one man might equal “bribe” to another.

Cancer You will slip and fall in public this week. But, don’t worry, saving face will be easy using the “Matthew Perry” technique: Simply brush yourself off, proclaim “I’m oookaay,” and bow to the same tepid laughter that he received the umpteenth time he made that joke.

Leo Phase Two has arrived, Leo. Oprah, the Promised One, will fulfi ll her destiny and seize power in 2008. Loyal minions will receive a gift basket from Urban Nirvana.

Virgo Your girlfriend –we’ll call her “Nicole”-

• will continue to steal you travel coffee mug in the mornings before work, leaving you to suffer a traditional mug, which will slosh coffee into your lap at traffi c lights, and further your coworkers’ suspicions that you are incontinent.

Libra Danish Libras beware: political cartoons depicting Mohammed with a bomb for a turban have angered Islamic extremists, who –apparently unaware of the irony– have vowed to bomb the hell out of Europeans in retaliation.

Scorpio You will blow it with the cute blonde at the bank when, for some reason, you use this pick-up line: “So… you, um, like ATM machines?”

Sagittarius You will discover something oddly familiar in Ted Danson’s mannerisms and demand to know the details of your mother’s love life in the Seventies.

Capricorn In 2052, greedy technocrats will require that all humans wishing to participate in the global supereconomy must be implanted with debit ID chips. You will balk at this, vow to grow your own food, and become selfsustaining. But on a blustery August day, ozone layer long gone, you will curse yourself as you scratch at your wilted crops, and admit: “Dang… I wish I’d have gotten that chip.”

Aquarius Over the weekend, you will sit around in your underwear, drunk, and make up bizarre Horoscopes for a local weekly paper. Your downstairs neighbors will be slightly horrifi ed when you answer the door that way.

Pisces On the morning of Feb. 14th, you will wake early, accidentally put your boxer shorts on backwards, and do your toe-touch stretches in the living room, leading to a painful and humiliating misunderstanding with your ex-con roommate.