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LTR’s from 10/20/06

Dear Vista patrons one year from now, “Hey, hey, brother-man! ‘Scuse me! Ay, man! Let me talk to you for a minute. Praise Jesus, I…I’m just trying get me a sandwich, man.” [Sound of gunshots and police sirens]. “I know the new homeless shelter is across the street and they serve food, but—naw, I…I…I don’t smoke crack. Ask my buddy Speedbug over there. No, not the one warming his hands over the barrel fire, the one who just took a dump on the sidewalk in front of Nonnah’s.” Get ready for it, Columbia City Paper

Dear deathly skinny girls at the gym, What are you doing here? Like, are you trying to make us not-so-skinny girls look bad because your thighs don’t jiggle when you’re on the elliptical machine? It’s disgraceful. Go to Ben and Jerry’s and eat some chunky monkey. Hell, throw on some chocolate syrup and sprinkles. Why? Because you’re ass is smaller than mine and I think its time you got fat enough to actually need to use the gym.

• Columbia City Paper

Dear customers of Duncan Heating & Air, Five Points Association Vice President Jeff Whitt contacted Duncan Heating & Air and said if they didn’t pull their ad from our newspaper Whitt would stop doing business with them on all of his restaurants. When they called us we literally laughed out loud. Poor Duncan Heating & Air had made an ad trade agreement to fix a broken air conditioning unit of ours and a service man spent hours fixing it. In turn we’d provide $3,000 in advertising. That means that Whitt, who wanted to hurt City Paper financially, has only hurt the family who owns Duncan Heating & Air by depriving them of six months worth of advertising. So because of him, they did all that work for free. It’s sad that Whitt would take out his vendetta on a familyowned business and we hope our readers will remember Duncan Heating & Air if they ever need their services. They did a great job. Perhaps our readers will also remember The Publick House when they want a Guinness, and Goatfeathers when they’re in the mood for a cigar and drink. And, thanks Jeff for freeing up a half a page for ad generating revenue. We’ve since added another “family” owned heating and air establishment. Columbia City Paper

Dear Bad Ass coffee in Five Points, You totally are really like craaaaazy bad ass. You’re so totally wired-up bad ass that you won’t even like carry our paper in your store anymore. You’re so wicked ridiculous bad ass that you went next door and told the owner of Quizno’s that if he didn’t stop running an ad with us then…drumroll…. you’d stop buying your sandwiches there. You’re so jackedup bad ass that you’re probably reading this right now and thinking “Wait, if I don’t like the paper so much why do I keep reading it issue after issue.” Because that’s how bad ass you are.

• Columbia City Paper

Dear Republicans, As you have probably noticed, it seems that your party is in a bit of a pickle this election cycle. It appears that you may lose one or both houses of Congress, not to mention control of several governor’s seats and statehouses. It would seem that even if you do manage to maintain control of Congress, you will probably have to make serious changes to the way you govern if you wish to remain a majority party for long. If I could, I would like to offer a proposal of what you did wrong. In 1994, the Republicans became the majority party in the most important governmental body in the world, the United States Congress, and they did so by being an extremely effective minority party. That is, they complained so long and loud about the Democrats in Washington that it finally worked. All their years convincing “middle America” that the Democrats were a bunch of weak, cowardly, tax and spend, Jesushating, America-bashing, tree-hugging, baby-killing godless communists finally paid off, and they swept these heathens out of their majority status. But this is where the problems began for the party of Newt Gingrich. Just like in Iraq, they had a plan to topple the old government, but no real plan for the new one. I don’t know if their success just caught them off guard or what, but the Republicans never really adjusted to life in the driver’s seat. What they never seemed to figure out was that arrogant, negative politics don’t help the majority party. Making a big stink works wonders when you are in the minority, because even if the people don’t buy your attacks on the other side, it creates a negative feeling that is conducive to electoral change, which hurts the majority party. But when you are in charge, it is best not to be so negative, it is best to be cool and collected, to coax out the moderates in the other side and make passage of legislation simpler, marginalize radical elements in the other party, and make government look more efficient. The Republicans never realized this, and it has helped to create the mood that is permeating the voters of America. A good example of this was John McCain’s leadership in the Senate which led to the compromise over judicial filibusters. While Bill Frist was calling people names and threatening to use the nuclear option, McCain was quietly working on a compromise with the moderates of the other party. The conservative base was furious, and called McCain a traitor, but the Republicans won: they passed almost all of the stalled nominations, and the Democrats haven’t used the filibuster since. The beauty of what McCain did is he got the Republicans what they wanted, without publicly rubbing it in the Democrat’s noses. The Democrats could look like they got something for their side, and the Republicans got what they wanted too. Contrast this to the way the Republicans have led the country on every other issue. Whether it was the war in Iraq, Social Security, detainee treatment, domestic wiretapping, you name it, the Republican strategy has been to lay down a plan and dare anyone to challenge it. If you go against them in any way, they question your patriotism, integrity, and manhood. What did this get them? A failed war in Iraq and a one party government that has produced almost no legislation. They couldn’t even bring the President’s Social Security plan to a vote, much less pass it. That is incredible ineffectiveness for a party in control of virtually the entire government. And now the voters of America are getting ready to throw the bums out, and it is such a shame. If you had only learned that mean and arrogant was no way to run the country, you might have been in charge for a generation. Instead, you have impaled your own party on a blade of mean-spirited ignorance and incompetence. I can’t say I won’t enjoy watching you guys crash and burn on Nov. 7. After all, I love my country. Daniel Hunnicutt Vice-President, Law Democrats University of South Carolina School of Law

Dear friend who shares all sexual experiences in detail, You know the middle-aged woman you boinked out behind the dumpsters at the Exxon filling station in Five Points? Well, we really don’t need to know about the hairy mole on her lower back, or as you called it, “the bull’s eye.” You could also spare us the details about the time you and that midget with the mohawk treated the trough in the men’s room at Group Therapy as your own personal post-coital slip-n-slide. And don’t even get us started on what you did with that poor old woman on your “Meals on Wheels” route. Columbia City Paper

Dear novelty T-shirt wearing guy, You’re with stupid? Oh yeah? No kidding, pal. Drunk? Breathalyzer’s down here? Good one. “Don’t piss me off I’m running out of room to hide the bodies?” OK, sicko, see you in the moshpit at Slipknot. “I only do what the voices in my head tell me to do?” It’s too bad you didn’t listen when they told you to hold the ferris wheel operator at the State Fair hostage until Trent Reznor promises to come to Columbia and personaly put on your mascera for you, dude. “Liquor in the front, poker in the rear?” Yeah? Really? Score many babes with that one at the deer camp in Santee do you? Columbia City Paper