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You better read all the horoscopes. Gov. Sanford was hitting the pipe again this week and may have confused a few signs.

Aries To get in touch with urban culture, try backing into your parking spots all week. Never mind that you drive a primer-spotted ‘87 Chevette. Just crank that AM radio, hang an arm out the window and back yo’ ass up.

Taurus Convinced that unibrows will be the hottest facial hair trend since the soul patch, you will dump your life savings into the production of Brow Stic, a lip balm-like product used to apply hair growth hormone to the lower forehead. Do I really need to predict your future from that point on?

Gemini It’s wise to put your dog’s maximum strength de-wormer into chicken salad to help the little guy work it down. Putting the medicated chicken salad in the fridge alongside the batch your roommate made for the football party… not so smart.

Cancer You are seriously among only a handful of people in the world who made the connection that the diner scene in Gingerdead Man (featuring Gary Busey as the voice of the killer gingerbread man) was filmed on the same counter top as the Angelica Sin scene in The Lecher 2: Looking for Strays. I don’t know whether to be in awe of you or to file for a restraining order.

Leo You strive to be the greatest cable TV true crime re-enactor the world has ever known. Shunned by the mainstream actors guild, unheralded by the Emmys, and often maced by confused bank tellers for your role on America’s Most Wanted, you toil on for the love of your craft. However, poor planning will put your life at risk when you re-enact a purse snatching just as a martial arts school is letting out across the street.

Virgo Wearing a Jesus costume to your grandma’s Halloween party seems like a fun idea. But, her evening will go horribly awry when you arrive, fling open the front door, backlit by her yard lights, and cause a series of massive strokes among her guests.

Libra When I urged you to take a donut to work last week, I meant the kind that you sit on. The word “flare” wasn’t in reference to a peppy tie and the cream I suggested definitely wasn’t for your coffee. My bad. Bright side: the humiliating surgery you’re about to endure as a result of our misunderstanding will have you back on your backside in a few months.

Scorpio Spread joy this week by giving everyone you work with at the slaughterhouse a big, slimy hug. All right, break it up. The Guv’s here to have the final say on the parking meter issue in Five Points. Just take the meter heads off the metal posts, jack up the price and sell them to USC. Then, instead of drilling up the sidewalk to remove the metal posts, we’ll just install 25-cent candy machines. Parking will be free, and who wouldn’t want a handful of Skittles? Problem solved. I’m going fishing.

Capricorn Your family knows that you meant well by choosing a NASCAR-themed funeral for your recently deceased uncle, Ronnie. Having Penzoil and BP logos on the coffin was OK, if a little odd, not to mention having the pallbearers dress like a pit crew and race him down to the hearse. Gotta say, it got a little tiresome when the procession had to do all those caution laps around the cemetery, though.

Aquarius Lionel Richie has a number one hit right now? Air Supply is in regular rotation on Steve FM? I said it last issue and I’ll say it again: what’s wrong with you people?

Sagittarius Man, Sagittarius, did you shave with a weed eater this morning? That one knick looks pretty bad. Huh? No, the one on the left side. The one next to that large patch of whiskers you missed. Wrong one. It’s closer to the bloody band-aid. Nope, the other bloody band aid. Ah, forget it.