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Horoscopes 10/11/06

Virgo In today’s busy corporate world, many young singles resort to the occasional liaison with a coworker. Interoffice dating: it’s fun, dangerous, secretive, and sexy. Of course, you’ll never experience that forbidden fruit as long as you’re known as the weirdo with the “Highway to Heaven” screensaver in Accounting.

Aries Prepare yourself mentally and spiritually for your upcoming safari by taking time to meditate and get plenty of rest. But, if you don’t have time for that before your trip, I’m sure being trampled by a herd of water buffalo will build character, too.

Taurus Aw, this is bull -shucks-! With City Paper’s new “Family First” rule, I can’t blurt out a -mother dunkingobscenity, even if I -falootin’- want to. See? It’s some auto -chuckin’- matic censoring thing they’ve installed. -Galddarn- you, City Paper! -Galddarn- you to -heck- !

Gemini Sure, you’ve spent your life savings and have moved to Tibet to devote your life to a Buddhist monastery. But a monkey wrench will be thrown into that life plan when you choke on a tea leaf, have a near death experience and, strangely, find yourself on a Helatrobus spaceship hurtling through the galaxy. Yep, Tom Cruise and L. Ron Hubbard were right all along. Hail the Thetans!

Cancer Your birthday is next, Scorpio. But, don’t think of your mid-thirties as a greased metal slide that rockets you, screaming and clawing for purchase, into the gaping black maw of middle age and death. …Well, actually, that’s a pretty accurate description of it.

Libra Happy Birthday, Libra! I must say, you look stunning for 71, and-

• What’s that? You’re 36? …You should really, really, really stay out of that tanning bed.

Scorpio Inspired by the cars in your daughter’s high school parking lot, you will decorate your Hummer windows with colorful and peppy washable graffiti. But instead of inserting your name beneath the mock picture frame drawn around the driver’s side window, your conscience will drive you to scribble the truth: “Just ate half of a leftover coconut cake and watched Passions at home on my lunch break.”

Leo You know who else is a Leo, Leo? Mark Foley. (Thanks a lot, Foley, you wack job. Now, whenever Bob Seger’s “Turn the Page” comes over the Statehouse chambers Musak system, everybody gets creeped out and nervous.) … ( I used to jam to that song, man!)

Pisces Pisces, if you want to avoid all the fire and the plastic surgery don’t listen to Rob Brezny’s prediction this week. (Just between you and me: the guy drinks like a fish. The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead, if you know what I mean. Poor guy.)

Aquarius Could you do me a solid, Aquarius? I had El Burrito for lunch and had a blow out in the first floor can, third stall (big time!). I need you to walk in there, give a good whiff, and give me a status report. If it gets into your suit, you’ll just have to deal with it. A tour group’s on their way through and if it’s too funky out in the hallway, well, I may have to blame it on Bauer.

Sag ittarius Tommy Moore, the Guv’s about to throw you a bone: your gubernatorial campaign needs a print ad with some pizzazz. I’m seeing a scantily clad, tattooed brunette gal flipping a bird. Maybe throw something in about being “Number 1.” Columbia really responds well to that type of thing, trust me.

Capricorn It’s almost that heady time of year when your outfits, mistaken for Halloween costumes, are the peak of coolness. As usual, enjoy it while you can. After November 1st, the world will be back to normal and you will be heckled for wearing those knee-high moccasins to Sharky’s.