Gov. Sanford Horoscopes 1/26/06
January 26th, 2006
Archived Sanford Horoscopes from 1/26/06
Aries Ever wondered why you emit a faint stink of burned rubber? Take off your parking brake to improve both your love life and your gas mileage.
Taurus Like a rum cake at an AA meeting, you are beset with confl icting interests. You must make a defi nitive choice: either keep your Grateful Dead bumper sticker or the “W: Still the President” bumper sticker that you have to display so Daddy will continue to make your car payment. You just canʼt have both.
Gemini Gemini, youʼve made quite a mess of your life. And you canʼt play the blues on a ukulele. I think itʼs time to get rid of your Jimmy Buffett paraphernalia and join the rest of us here in reality.
Cancer You are a shining beacon of hope for Special Ed. programs everywhere.
Leo The Moon recommends that you prune any plants you might have on the 30th of this month. (Iʼll get up with you after work, dude.)
Virgo Psst! Hey, Virgo — your fl y is open.
Libra Hereʼs your good deed for the week: You know that anti-abortion wack job, who harangues traffi c in front of the State House with little plastic dead babies hanging from his suit? Take him to lunch at Carolina Wings, then bolt on the check.
Scorpio Use the coming weeks to cultivate your moustache. And while youʼre at it, ladies, take time to cultivate a rich spiritual life as well (I recommend the woman with the pink hair and running mascara on Trinity Broadcasting Network).
Sagittarius Some things defy description and can only be experienced in person. Head to the topless diner at the NC border on I-95, and when you fi nd yourself telling a post-menopausal waitress that her left breast is hanging in your grits, youʼll know what I mean.
Capricorn Youʼve always fancied yourself a fashion maven, a few steps ahead of the crowd. CCP challenges you to solidify your place in pop culture history by bringing back the powdered wig. We want to see them in J Crew by 2008.
Aquarius You wonʼt get past the introduction to the South Beach Diet Cookbook, before you work up an appetite and gorge yourself on a whole bag of Totino ʼs Sausage Pizza Pockets.
Pisces Hang in there: the “Ride ʻem, Valentine Cowboy” novelty boxers that you wear year-round on laundry days are almost back in season.
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